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To Almighty
Tuesday, February 22, 2022 | February 22, 2022 | 0 comments
I never knew You when I was a child because I was too busy loving the world. I was so carefree, not understanding what was halal and haram. I was bullied, but it didn't bother me since my parents and teachers instilled in me the belief that criticising others is a sin. I didn't do anything haram because I was a kid, and to be honest, I miss being a kid. I was devastated when puberty hit me. Because I have darker complexion, they grow irritated and continue to insult me. Because of my existence, I began to blame You and became rebellious. I despised You and asked You why You put me through this, but I know I'll never get an answer. Because I had lose faith in society and religion, I became wild. I didn't want to be bothered, so I began to violate the religion's rules one by one. I used to despise people, and I blamed it all on You, so I tried to convert to a different religion. I attempted to find any organisation that could assist me, but no one answered to my emails or text messages. But You weren't mad at me for what I did. After several years of defiance, I began to perceive and comprehend the underlying significance of everything. I desire Your guidance, yet many Muslims detest me because I am a sinner. That is when I realise how horrible humans can be when they judge others as if they are better. I learnt my lesson, yet the stench of transgression is difficult to wash away. I messed up, and I know You will not condemn me as a human being since You are the Creator of humans. You know me too well, and I understand that all of the trials you provided were part of growing up. Because of You, the creator of the universe, I am now completely aware of every test and punishment. I'm here seeking your direction, and I realise it's a little late to do a lot of good deeds to go to paradise. I'm grateful that You gave me more time to live so that I could return to You. Also, even though I'm terrified of the punishment in Hell, I'll accept responsibility for my sins. Please lead me till the day of resurrection from the depths of my soul. I am grateful for having wonderful parents and a great spouse who can help me stay on the right track. Please grant me patience and fortify my intellect so that I can face future difficulties. Please accept my apologies on behalf of my family, siblings, and best friends. I understand that we are not qualified to enter paradise, but we are also terrified of hell. So, as You are the most merciful, please forgive all of our wrongdoings and sins and have mercy on us.
To my beloved parents
Sunday, February 13, 2022 | February 13, 2022 | 0 comments
To my beloved parents, I am grateful to have you and thank you for raising me and being patient while educating me and my siblings. Actually, I didn't like you guys back then because you were constantly arguing, which I didn't know what was about. I only believed what I heard from my father, and you continue to validate all of that. Do you know that I have been bullied since I was in primary school? But I was okay because I was a kid and I didn't really give a damn about them. When I entered high school, everything was getting harder. They said it's normal for puberty to hit you like a truck, but it's kind of a suck for me. When I was in form 2, do you know what they said? They said, "You're black and it's disgusting. Even if you get married, the next day you will get a divorce. " I felt so sad, but I didn't want to burden you guys with trivial things, but I also have zero confidence in going to school again, and in fact, I hate it. When I didn't go to school because of that, you blamed me without asking me what had happened. But, after you knew what had happened, you came to school and met the principal to settle things down. I still remember when I was 17 years old. I changed schools in the hope all those bullies weren't from the same school in my new school, but there was one person from my previous school. My days are becoming darker once more. On the second day of my new school, the girls picked a fight with me because the person who came from the same school as me previously told them I was bullied. There was one kid who was the principal's nephew, who stole my new spectacles, hung my bag on the whiteboard, and even insulted me by saying, "You must be a bangla." Why am I grateful to have you guys as my parents? My father came to the school and asked the kids to come out of the class, but they were very rude and mocked my father. When I was 19 years old, I started to figure out what was happening between my parents. I started to understand that marriage is not an easy thing. They were fighting over a big matter, which they were trying to hide, so we wouldn't think that we were not a burden. I am sorry for being rebellious because I didn't understand both of you back then. Now that I have grown up so well, I wish nothing more, but you can live longer so I can repay what you have done. Thank you for being so considerate after knowing how social I am and that both of you accepted me without any hesitation. I promise that I will change to be a better person for myself and for both of you. If the next life ever exists, please be my parents again.
Sincerely, You, rebellious daughter.
One's Old Self
Tuesday, February 1, 2022 | February 01, 2022 | 0 comments
Norshahirah Abdul Razak (2106726) Dear former self, First thing first, do you realise that no matter what you've done, I've never regretted it? I'm who I am now because of you. Because you were wild and rebellious, not everyone could understand your point of view. I now realise how lonely it felt to be excluded for a semester. You, like a lone wolf, paid no attention to all the rumours that hurt you. You continue to stand strong even while the world turns its back on you. Despite the fact that your trust has been betrayed by many, you continue to put your faith in others. Do you know how strong you are? Don't belittle yourself. You've overcome one challenge after another without fear. I'm curious as to how you're able to be so powerful at such a young age. Your aura was terrifying, and many people thought you gave them a different feeling, and as a result, you forgot you were human as well. You're being so hard on yourself, forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do merely to meet their expectations. I never blamed you for feeling that way because I understood that, at the end of the day, it was your image that mattered the most. You've gone too far down the rabbit hole, and you've lost any sense of self-worth. Suicidal thoughts and depression change you into a heartless monster. I need to keep you inside of me so you don't cause yourself any more harm. I'm doing this for us, and I'm confident you'll be pleased with the outcome. I'm sure you can sense how I'm feeling right now. It's because you used to be me. I'm stronger because of you, and I'll make sure to say what I want instead of keeping it inside like you did. You'd tasted the abyss and understood just how it felt; bliss in hell. To be honest, I enjoy it as well, but I'd prefer it if it were in heaven. It is only transitory, and I consider myself fortunate that you are able to do something that others consider dangerous. If somebody criticises you in the future, I will stand by you with our principles. Our perception of the world differs greatly from what they see. They have every right to talk about it, but I'll make sure they don't have any right to implement it in our minds since they have no idea who I am or who you were.
Finally, I'd want to express my gratitude for overcoming all of those problems alone. We both know how powerful we are, and I'm hoping to become even stronger than we have been. If I crumble, I'll unleash you, and you'll be able to take over my body and confront the world. You don't need to apologise, and I'm not going to forgive you since you didn't do anything wrong. I'm glad you're a part of my life. We become one because you are me and I am you.
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